Why Your Child Lacks Confidence: The Cost of Always Saving Them

Ntombikayise Bhengu
Jun 25
3 min read

We all want the best for our children. We want to see them succeed, feel happy, and know they are loved. But in trying to protect them from failure, disappointment, and difficulty, we often do something far more damaging:

We take away the very experiences that help them grow confident.

Let’s talk about why some children struggle with confidence — and how it often starts with us.

1. You Save Them All the Time

Whether it’s tying their shoes, answering a question, or solving a conflict, it’s easier — and quicker — to step in. But when we constantly rescue our children, they miss the chance to figure things out on their own.

They begin to believe they can’t do hard things, because they’re never given the chance to try.

2. You Don’t Let Them Fail

Failure is not the opposite of success. It’s the pathway to it.

When we shield children from failing, we’re not protecting them — we’re robbing them of vital lessons. They never get to learn how to:

Problem-solve under pressure
Cope with disappointment
Try again after a setback

And without those experiences, confidence doesn’t grow. It withers.

3. You Celebrate Success More Than Effort

We cheer when they win, when they get it right, when they come first. And yes, those moments matter — but what about the times they didn’t win, yet showed courage by showing up?

What about the times they practiced for days and still didn’t place? Or when they tried something new and failed?

If we only celebrate results, children start to believe their worth lies in achievement, not effort. And that’s a dangerous belief to carry into adulthood.

4. You Make Failing a Big Deal

If a child spills paint, makes a mistake on a test, or forgets their lines in a play, and our first reaction is frustration, shame, or disappointment, they learn that mistakes are not safe.

They learn that getting it wrong equals being in trouble, being “bad,” or not being loved the same.

So what do they do next time? They stop trying. They play it safe. They shrink themselves.

5. They Think Getting It Right Is More Important Than Trying

In the long run, this belief kills curiosity, learning, and risk-taking. Children stop experimenting, asking questions, or thinking differently — because the pressure to “get it right” becomes too great.

They trade in confidence for compliance.

6. They Rely on You Instead of Themselves

When you always jump in to solve their problems, children learn to depend on you rather than trust their own abilities. If the challenge becomes too tough, they may even give up before reaching the point of frustration — the very moment that sparks growth.

Let them struggle. Even if it leads to frustration, it’s okay. Because when they try on their own, they learn. And when they learn, they grow.

So, What Can You Do Instead?

Let them struggle. Guide, don’t fix. Let them feel the frustration, and cheer for their effort — not your rescue.

Talk about failure. Share your own stories. Laugh about your mistakes. Show them that failure is not fatal — it’s part of the process.
Praise effort, not outcomes. Say things like:
- “I saw how long you worked on that.”
- “You didn’t give up — that’s amazing.”
- “You were brave to try something new.”
Celebrate trying. Whether they got it right or not, praise their courage to try.
Encourage self-reliance. Step back and let them solve problems themselves — even if it’s messy or takes longer.